“Magic” Genes, but Prince Harry’s still Useless at Basically Everything

[*N.B. Comments about who is Prince Harry’s biological father play up to the whole ‘genetic divine right’ discourse and biological determinism upon which the institution of monarchy is built and are completely antithetical to this piece].

Prince Harry is the very opposite of a role model. A posturing, conceited, malingering, parasitic, crass racist with an air of Tim Nice-but-dim, without the niceness. Honestly, he just needs a nappy over that mouth of his. Harry gets a ludicrous amount of respect and praise in our society, despite being basically shit at everything. As a Royal, he has everything done for him by a staff of servants, to the extent his wife made headline news for opening a car door by herself. Born into wealth, power and status he can get away with earning and learning nothing and yet still be celebrated – worse, he can get away with bigotry and criminal militarism.

The ‘war hero’ thing is quite incredible – Harry went out to the poorest country in the world, already devastated from decades of continual warfare and murdered some poverty-stricken farmers from a position of relative safety. When a Labour MP mocked Harry’s military record, Jeremy Corbyn’s Education Secretary jumped to his defence. Emma Dent Coad had pointed out that Harry failed his helicopter exam 4 times, so in the end he had to settle for co-pilot because he couldn’t be trusted to take charge of a chopper himself. Angela Rayner leapt to his defence, saying he’d made the Royals ‘trendy again’ (in the same way measles has made a comeback, I suppose). ‘They are part of the staple British diet … I’m absolutely clear that the monarchy is here and they are going to be around for a long time … I think Harry’s been doing a fantastic job, especially with regard to our veterans … I personally feel the current generation – Prince Harry, Prince William and Kate – have done the Royal family proud’.

The Taliban have said that ‘there were always bodyguards with him to protect him, always keeping him away from the area of war or making plans to keep him away’. Harry himself, showing zero modesty, horror of war or respect for life said that ‘it’s a joy for me because I’m one of those people who loves playing PlayStation and Xbox, so with my thumbs I like to think I’m probably quite useful’. Imagine a mortician saying they like to think they’re quite useful with dead bodies because they enjoyed the movie Shaun of the Dead. Harry later set up Invictus Games to absorb veteran’s anger once they’ve been used and tossed on the scrapheap – nothing more than a PR stunt for British militarism. George W. Bush, a draft dodger himself, and partly responsible for their mutilation, headlined at the opening of the Games in Florida 2016. Events included powerlifting stolen Iraqi gold bullion, a race to harvest opium from an entire Afghan poppy field, seeing who can make a prisoner scream the loudest and seeing who can burn a village to the ground the fastest. Harry himself participated, but wouldn’t stop jumping on the backs of other contestants and insisting they carry him through.

Speaking of PR stunts, don’t you think Prince Harry marrying a person of colour is taking the ‘but I’ve got black friends’ alibi a bit too far? This is a guy who glibly refers to Asians as ‘paki’ and ‘raghead’, flippantly compares murdering Afghans to ‘playing Playstation’, and… ACTUALLY MURDERED AFGHANS.

We could explain away, somewhat, wearing a Nazi uniform ‘as a joke’ on the folly of youth, if it weren’t for the fact that he comes from a family full of Nazi sympathisers and racists: a grandmother (you know, the Queen) who performed Nazi salutes as a child, a brother who thinks ‘measures’ need to be taken to curtail Africa’s population, and a grandfather who doesn’t even bother with a thin veneer of eugenics discourse to hide his open racism.

But love really does conquer all, I suppose. It’s Capulets and Montagues all over again, I mean, on one side you have a woman of colour, on the other a notoriously intolerant family of open racists, Nazi-sympathisers, & war profiteers who accrued tens of billions from slavery, drug trafficking, land theft and genocidal colonisation. Really gives you hope for humanity! Wasn’t it a special day? The beautiful bride in her £300,000 dress marrying into a family of human tapeworm. How romantic!

What an occasion for the people of Britain to join in and pay for a wedding they weren’t invited to! Some uber-fans even slept rough on the streets of Windsor in spots vacated by arrested homeless people. A very British thing to do. The council leader of the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead wrote to police calling for the removal of homeless people in time for the Royal wedding under the 1824 Vagrancy Act (which criminalises rough sleeping). He cast the residents and tourists of Windsor as victims of ‘exploitation’ by homeless people, when in reality the homeless are largely victims of British state policy and a capitalist system which deprives people of shelter while allowing others to hoard properties and keep them empty (there are something like 10 empty homes for every homeless person). The Windsors are one of the biggest, if not the biggest, landlord in the country, without even mentioning their many residences, which include 4 palaces and 3 castles. Homeless people are 17 times more likely to be victims of crime than those who have stable homes. Yet, when the Royals are visiting, the homeless are treated the same as litter, their tents and sleeping bags are ruthlessly snatched up and thrown away and they are ushered away from the area. We cannot upset the precious sensibilities of the Windsors, now, can we?

Now let’s get to the reasoning behind this whole furore. Why does the British media work itself up into such a frenzy about the Royals? Well, because it’s a convenient distraction from what’s really going on. It’s a nice excuse not to spend too much time justifying the devastating impact of austerity and the destruction of foreign countries. Thus the BBC devoted more than 50% of its coverage to the announcement of Prince Harry’s engagement and the government announced that benefits would be frozen for a whole year just 21 minutes after the Royal news broke. News that a senior Tory had attacked the government over its ‘shameful complicity’ in the war on Yemen also got conveniently buried. Then one MP, taking sycophancy to new lows, called for the commissioning of a Royal yacht for Harry and Meghan ‘to sail around the sea with’.

Harry is a talentless, airbrained, playboy; a vacuous ringworm-hooked-into-the-gastrointestinal-tract-of-a-body-louse. Even in the world of polo, where levels of entitlement and arrogance must be in the highest percentiles, Harry has been dubbed ‘a spoiled brat’, with one player saying so to his face on the pitch. He has everything done for him and so has never had to learn anything properly beyond swanning around social events and cracking racist jokes. He couldn’t even do his exams at school himself, according to one of his teachers, who claimed Harry submitted paintings for his Art A-level created by the Head of the Art department. The teacher claimed to have done part of his coursework. Even with the help of professionals, and despite having supposedly ‘special’ genes, Harry still only managed a B in Art and a D in Geography. The whistleblower was subsequently sacked, by the way.

He’s not even good at the whole PR thing which is one of his main functions. For example, Harry pledged to do all he could to save Africa’s endangered wildlife. Ten days earlier he’d been on a boar and deer hunting trip with his brother, William. It’s like having Herod the Great as patron of a children’s charity. The only reason it’s still bruited about that he is good for the Royal family’s image is because the entire weight of the multi-billion pound British media has to work overtime to convince people – and they convince people through sheer repetition ad nauseam: ‘Harry is a modern Royal, Harry is a modern Royal, Harry is…’. The idea that a Royal family can even be ‘modern’ is itself absurd and oxymoronic, like claiming that the next evolutionary step will be primordial slime.

These Royals don’t tend to come equipped with much self-awareness, either. Prince Harry actually complained about ‘racial undertones’ in the media’s reporting of his engagement. Not that he was wrong, but he’d previously referred to an officer from the Pakistani army as ‘our little Paki friend’ – dripping with condescension, and upon seeing another officer cadet wearing a camouflage veil, he exclaimed ‘fuck me, you look like a raghead’.

We’re all aware of how he attended a ‘colonials and natives’ fancy dress party (just attending such a thing is bad enough) dressed as a Nazi. I suppose as a Royal heir you have to come up with ever weirder ways of mitigating the boredom of waiting for your relatives to die. There’s little to take up their time – apart from pissing other people’s money up the wall. He apologised for the uniform saying it was ‘a poor choice of costume and I apologise’. But he couldn’t bring himself to apologise for his family’s (and institution’s) long-running involvement in and responsibility for slavery when he visited 7 Caribbean nations that still have the Queen as head of state. #notmyprince was trending as Harry toured the islands, surveying the vestiges of Empire and the surviving infrastructure of slavery, and calls from descendants of slaves for an apology fell on deaf ears. The Queen has also flatly refused to apologise. These obnoxious little shitbags are not even sorry and think marriage to a descendant of slaves will pull the wool over people’s eyes. Meghan Markle has written about slavery being ‘shatteringly recent’; her great-great-great grandfather was enslaved. Harry must have had to bite his tongue hard during encounters with Meghan’s family, and his urge to wear Nazi uniforms strongly repressed. Maybe he satisfied himself with a pair of swastika undies?

Any respect for Harry whatsoever boils down to a belief that he has ‘magic blood’. That’s it. And the power of the media to present an utterly worthless parasite as someone worthy of admiration… for their magic genes. These genes are so magic they bestow such incredible human qualities as pompousness, conceit and racism.

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Post Author: Pitchfork Cosmonaut

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